Monday, April 5, 2010

My love handles are showing..yuck! :(

Woke up, and cleaned the kitchen and was just cleaning the whole house erractically to try and hold off the food craving, but since it was brekky i decided i should eat something to get my body awake and going...i just had a slice of wholmeal bread with a tiny bit of butter & vegemite with half a glass of skim milk. - not so bad.
Im still feeling very fat! i guess i just wont eat for the rest of the day. My boyfriend wanted to have a bbq, but i begged him no too becuase i dont think i could handle people asking me why im only eating lettuce, when they are used to me pigging out. Im not up for covering it up today.

Just looked in the mirror and i can see my love handles :( fuck. gross. ew.

i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat i am fat. i am fat.
i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat.
i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat. i am fat.

So i offically dont do drugs, smoke or drink anymore. I used to be out of control drinking myself stupid. I quit after this one night, that im about to explain: one night while i was at work, i had had enough of people harrasing me, and i was over working 3 weeks straight so i went to the bar and got 10 bottles of double black smirnoff and drank it in the coolroom at work..not a good idea when the kitchen is open and the customers can see that you are off your face..slurring your words and dropping the food everywhere. I then asked a girl at work if she had any pills or drugs..she gave me cocaine.. i went into the toilet and snorted 3 lines in a row.. this was a first time for me, and i was off chop! I got that bad i couldnt even finish my shift and rolled down the ramp and could not walk at all.. i literally could not walk, i tripped over my foot and hit my face on the concrete and had gravel rash on one side of my face and big bruises. One of the regular customers jarrad walked past me, seen me and had to carry me over his shoulder and take me home. ( felt so bad he had to carry a whale over his shoulder =s ) I got home and threw up in the dorrway, tripped over the coffee table and threw up again, i have never seen my boyfriend so angry in all my life. Im glad he had a bad re-action it actually gave me the motivation to quit everything that was doing me harm... but now i have given that up, i have taken up a ED now. maybe i enjoy inflicting pain on myself. only a few months ago i got very depressed and thought about commiting suicide...on the outside i look like a happy healthy person, i am not some one who would be classified as an emo, i am very girly and love fashion and music..but i cant help but feel like something is missing in my life, and i cry and cry at night ...and i think alot of my problems come from not being skinny enough. i feel sorry for my boyfriend having to put up with my mood swings becuase of my body image issues, it makes me so insecure.

So theres a little bit about me. Heres some more songs i like to listen might not like them but i enjoy maybe you could too.I know its strange but it helps to supress my appetite if im listening to music and helps me become more closer to my goals.. not all of them are about being ana, some are just good to listen to:

falling down - atreyu
everlong - foo fighters
fader - the temper trap
faint - linkin park
follow me - breaking benjamin
gravity - the superjesus
in these hands - the butterfly effect
beautiful - christina aguilera
pain - the used
with me tonight - the used
broken strings - james morrison ft nelly furtado
dont let me get me - pink!
! song formerly known as - regurgitator
3 words - cheryl cole ft
insomnia- craig david
get you home - shwayze
riding solo & in my head - jason derulo
im not okay - my chemical romance
hot like fire - savage ft rock city'
semi charmed life - third eye blind
burn for youn - toby mac
omg - usher ft

leave me a comment, i love you all <3
keep thin & beautiful my lovlies


  1. Hey, I'm really liking your progress so far, congratulations. I'm completely motivated to loose weight too, my only issue is my darling loving boyfriend. It's such a pain because well ive been down this path before and he got in the way of my bad mood swings so i think he gets a bit anxious when he see's im not eating. How do you hide it from yours?

  2. It's good that you have given up alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
    I know how you feel, But please don't be suicidal! Next time whey you have these thoughts again, please think of your boyfriend, of people you love. How would they feel if you were gone?
    Besides, you have to prove to everyone, that you can be skinny. ;)
    Be strong! ;)


  3. That is one hell of a drug/alcohol escapade. I'm glad you're officially off those things. And now that you don't drink, you won't intake in all the liquid calories/fat that come with alcohol! I've always said that drinking alcohol is an easy way to drink on the weight!

    Stay strong, lovely. You're doing so well.

  4. I love your blog background!

    Good job on quiting alcohol. Alcohol is a bad source for "healing" or "help". It takes strength to stop!

    I have love handles too and I hate them!!!!

    Don't worry, you will lose them!

  5. Hi to the anon girl at the top..thankyou :) yes my boyfriend usually picks up when im not eating.. he loves me alot, but thank god he hates fat people..which if he ever aks i just say you dont want me to end up like that do you..and he usually leaves me alone, but if he thinks i go to far he lets me know.which makes me grumpy and irritated.. to stop myself from getting in bad moods cos im hungry i have learnt to eat a little more than the average ana, if i get in the need for food i eat a low cal strawberry yoghurt, its only 80 cals for 200g..and then i dont seem so agro..but my boyfriend works 14 hour shifts and i work as a chef, so he never sees me eat, unless its our day off and i just say im not hungry. i also vent on my blog :D

    Hey skinny boy, yes thinking about my boyfriend and people who i care about is the only reason i havnt done it. i cant beilive i got so bad i wanted to do it so bad. but i think im through that stage, now that im seeing abit of progress with loosing weight im alot happier than i was :D

    Thank you alice ;) im soo glad im off it to, i look at other people and i dont know how they can drink it, it just causes more problems than its worth.

    Hey if life gives you lemons, thanks i thought it fitted in perfectly for what my blog is about ;) thank you, it did take time to quit, and its not my self i have the problem with its the influence of my friends, they drink sooo much and now they try to pressure me to drink but i dont give in, cos i realise how stupid it is...and i see all the photos on facebook and its disgraceful..not saying that i havnt been there before, but when your not doing it like everyone else you wake up a little. I want to loose my handles so bad!
    we can be each others motivation!!

    thanks everyone for your support, love you guys <3<3