Friday, May 14, 2010

ED scrapbook,sex video & my first time :O

Ahh just what i need some early morning thinspo before i eat my brekky :):)

Just before i woke up today i had an idea that im going to start like a an ED one. Cut pictures out and write about stuff and progress, i already have a book about keeping track of my weight but im going to put pictures of people i know in there so i can use them for motivation..espescially the chicks that i hate cos i wanna be skinnier than them.lolz. Yesterday while i was at work something triggered me wanting to go back to eating hardly anything...i just got a few comments like " i remember when i first met you, you were alot bigger and youve lost alot of weight" and "i remember when you couldnt fit into those pants" .. so hmm i must of been pretty big or people are lying to me. Im one of those real lazy people though i just want the easy way out and go to the bank and get a personal loan and get if only it were that easy!! i need more $$$$$$$$$$ for that!

Ugggh i have to work almost 3 weeks straight, how fucking gay. But i get 4 days off next thursday and im just going to smash myself at the gym everyday. Theres this chick anita..i never really liked her cos of her attitude and she was just real feral at school but she was really gross and fat..and i seen her the other day and she dyed her hair blonde got hair extensions and has been working out, bought a whole new wardrobe and she looks fucking hot. Im hell jelous. I kinda stalk her on facebook, to see if she slips anything out about how she got her body..she just works out alot from all i can tell. her arms and legs are so toned. it annoys me alot :/

So one thing that comforts me is when people who come to our work who are really skinny stack on weight cos all they do is eat... theres this really pretty chick rachael and shes starting to put on weight, i mean she eats cake,ice cream, cheesecake and jelly..etc. and she was in the girls toilet the other day and shes like " i cant fit into my size 8 shorts anymore" i was thinking in my head "haha, no wonder you stacked on weight look what you eating!: i dont really like her that much probly cos im jelous..but ill be skinnier than her one day.soon i hope...

omfg, my libido yesterday was driving me fucking nuts all i wanted to do was have sex!!!!!..i think im a sex freak..and when i got home at 9pm i didnt even feel like it..for fuck sake! but woke up this morning and got some sexy time so i had a BIG smile on my face. Its a good way to start the day!! aswell as looking at thinspo :D

I have so much crap to write about its just been buliding up over the days :P

So this chick added me on facebook and her name was i add her and then realise shes fucking the bloke who took my virginity...i didnt have a very "romantic" or even "pleasurable" first time...not like how people carry on about it in movies was far from that.

So this is how it layed out for me::: :/ ..
I was a drunk 16 yr old girl at a party and went home with this bloke who seemed alright..he was 22 and it was probly the biggest mistake i made at the the time..but wouldnt change anything cos i met my boyfriend after this...So i go home with this guy Jeremy and we started kissing and feeling each other up..he turned off the light..but still was abit of light shinning through the so glad he had condoms ( thats only credit ill give that dickhead)..when i went out that night i wasnt expecting to be having sex so i didnt prepare myself..
*I went through this phase when i was 16 i would wait for my parents to go to bed and spend an hour getting ready, doing my hair and makeup putting on nice clothes and then when i knew they were asleep for atleast an hour id ring a taxi and make sure id send it 4 houses down so when they pulled up in the driveway they wouldnt be shining the light in my parents window.. i was real sneaky,id take my parents bank card cos i knew there pin cos i had no $$$$$$$ at the time..and id sneak out the back door and leave it unlocked so i could just come back in after partying all night and slip back into bed..i got away with this for about 2 months..i came home at 4am almost everytime..but one day i came back at 9am..and my step dad locked the back door and i couldnt get back in..and i started freaking out! i grabbed some clothes of the washing line, changed, and grabbed some more clothes and knocked on the front door and i just said i was taking some washing in off the line and i got locked out lol..i got away with it!! yesssss. But i came back at 11am one morning cos i was starting to get cocky, and thats when mum knew i had been out all night cos she realised her bank card was gone..oooops!*

Soooo..back to my story.. while we were having sex he pushed me into a corner and he filmed me on his mobile having sex! (we were doing doggy) && i didnt even know he had his phone out..or i would have left straight away and slapped the fuckers face..anyway the whole time i was shaking out of control i was so nervous and cold.. he asked wtf was wrong with me and and i said 'im just really cold'..i stayed the night but it was freezing! it was winter and i didnt wanna cuddle him cos he smelt real bad of B.O and i all i had covering me was a sheet..i looked around his room and i knew he was a skater; but for a 22 yr old bloke it was kinda childish to have so much skater stuff in his room (maybe thats how he hooked in the chicks????)..i got up in the morning and i go to his bathroom and i look around and the house is really old and dirty and the mirror in the bathroom was chipped with dirt all over it and the taps on the sink didnt work and there was smelly clothes, and i found a condowm just laying on the ground (wasnt mine)..and i sat in his bathroom crying abit, realising how bad my first time was..he was so rough the whole time..but i didnt tell him that i was a virgin..cos i wanted to act like i could handle everything..
I went into his room cos he was still asleep and was looking for my clothes..i lost my shirt and i was trying not to wake him up cos i was so embarresed..i ended up just taking one of his jumpers and leaving.. so a week later im at this house party and he sees me comes up to me and slaps me on the ass and acts like he owns me..and he whispers in my ear "if you dont have sex with me im going to show everyone this video of me and you having sex"..i didnt belive him until he showed me the video..i was mortified. i couldnt fucking belive that i didnt realise he was filming us the whole time!..and he told me his brother & dad was watching us have sex aswell.. i felt so used and dirty & ashamed..he blackmailed me into having sex with him again and i fell into the trap because i was so nieve. He ended up coming to my school and showing everyone that sex video anyway..and at the time i didnt come to school for a few weeks cos everyone was still talking about it..i was so mum ended up finding out from someones mother who rang up and said i was a little slut and a bad influence on other girls, and she kicked me out of home and then a week later i met my boyfriend that im with now. But looking back i cant belive i let him get away with such a thing. I plan on telling this girl terri..i hope she dosnt get stung like this, or maybe his blackmailing her into it, like he did to me. i dunno. his kinda a pedophile his 26 or 27 now..and his still fucking 15/16 yr olds. it makes me sick. and i cant belive how dumb i was either.
Well im with a great bloke now anyway so you cant change your past. I also think, god i was so fat back then, i would have looked horrible in a sex video..least i can laugh about it took alot of time to get over, i thought it would have been a chick that fucked me over real bad..but nope.this guy has proved himself a worthy asshole. :) that cunt.

Anyways intake:
b: 1x toasted wholmeal bread slice w a little butter and a poached egg.
l: 1 sml tin of lemon pepper tuna on 2 salada crackers with shredded lettuce
s: 1 apple and a cup of rasberries & 1 sml tub of yoghurt
d: 1 can of diet coke for dinner lol.

Hope that wasnt too much of a heavy post for you all to read.
Im going to go work my fat ass off at the gym and maybe relax with a spa and massgae ;)
Love ya'll :P
Talk to you soon my pretties♥


  1. Holy shit! I was reading your blog and got lost in it. It felt like I was reading a book because it was so intense. Um, you should have reported him! He had a 16 year old having sex on his phone? I'm sure he would have gotten in trouble. Maybe you should warn his new victim, though.

    But I guess it's worth it if you met your boyfriend!

  2. Yeah i have had a pretty intense life so far..and im only 20. i should write a book i have so much more to tell lol! I should have but i didnt really know who i could tell or who would belive me..i didnt wanna go to the cops or anything so i just put up with it suppose. I plan on telling her, hoping that the same things not happening to her..and hopefully she will belive me.

    Yeah like i said wouldnt change a thing or i wouldnt have met my amazing its like it was ment to happen..but kinda bad the way it all happened.

    thanks for commenting :D

    alls good now ;) ♥

  3. wow. Poor you. Mine was awful too but not as tragic as yours. I broke up with my boyfriend and the next day I confided in a friend of me and my brother who lives around the corner.I had just turned 15 and he was 19. It was at his birthday party with everyone there, my brother and all.I got drunk and he dragged me to some room and he started kissing me and then we had sex. My brother nearly caught me but luck for me the guy finished of quick and left me to get read when my brother walked in on me about to leave the room. He searched for another guy but found no one and dragged me home. Screaming and questioning what I was doing the the room by my self and what all the dust was on my clothes. I lied and we never spoke about it again. The guy always tries to talk to me but I ignore him 2 years on and he is still trying to have round two. every time I see him I feel dirty and that I betrayed my brother. When a few of my friends found out because I though I was pregnant I told them he was not my first so I seemed less of a whore, Ironically. Now i have to lie all the time and say I have slept with two people when its only one. Just felt I should share since you did too.

    Good on you for getting on with it...


  4. that's horrible - people can be so disgusting & manipulting

    glad you've put it behind you, that's an amaizing feat - I'm proud of you for moving on, I still don't think I've moved on from one incident in my past

  5. Just wanted to say that I've been following your blog for a while now, I think it's beautiful and I love your candidness and writing style. This particular post really set off sparks in my head-what happened to you is beyond terrible. I've survived two sexual assaults myself, and although treatment and therapy regarding my ED and food issues hasn't been too successful-I will give credit where credit is due regarding my trauma issues.

    The most positive thing that therapy has done for me is make me stop trivializing and minimizing what happened, and acknowledge how truly awful it was, and that no one has the right to make another human being feel that way. Only from there can you really begin to move on. I see in the way you write about it, talking about how you can "laugh about it now," etc, that you are trivializing it and deflecting with humor-I do the same thing.

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy, so I'm going to stop now...I just really feel for you and hope that one day you are able to get the help you deserve so that MONSTER can finally stop haunting you!

  6. Heya :) thank you all for your comments i read every single one on here. sounds like everyones had a few demons in their life. and i cant belive guys get away with this kind of stuff. it really annoys me.

    @kelly, yepp i know people can be disgusting at makes you wonder why they do it? if you ever need to talk im here, i may not be the best but i can try atleast :)

    Hey LM you dont sound preachy, you hit the nail on the spot..i try and laught it off, but the memories flicker through my head when a word or someone mentions something about their first time i get flashbacks..but try and push them out of my mind as soon as they flow back in. I went to some counselling but found them un helpful..if i was in a big city then maybe the services would be better. But have kind of dealt with alot of my past in my own way. If i didnt have my boyfriend i wouldnt be able to get through the days half the time.

    stay strong and beautiful my loves, cant let these pricks bring us down anymore ♥

  7. Wow, I'm sorry your first time was so... bad. Not all bad though, at least you met your bf afterward, right?
    Also, nice job with your intake.

  8. Fun fact: I get to the end of the post and just I'm breathing a heavy sigh, I read "Hope that wasnt too much of a heavy post for you all to read." Just a fun fact, haha.

    But ya, that story broke my heart a little. I'm sorry that your first time was so bad. But you learned something, and now you are smarter and wiser and can help others (like Terri) make better choices. That's the bright side.